Personal Resources

Listening

“There’s a voice that doesn’t use words, Listen” Rumi

To achieve holistic and systemic transformation, compassionate individuals must develop the skills necessary to form partnerships, which requires the ability to listen well. The desire to dominate undermines a sense of community throughout society. Practicing how to listen helps everyone lead with humility, without dominating others.

Don’t call people out — call them in, video, Loretta Ross — We live in a call-out culture, says activist and scholar Loretta J. Ross. You’re probably familiar with it: the public shaming and blaming, on social media and in real life, of people who may have done wrong and are being held accountable. In this bold, actionable talk, Ross gives us a toolkit for starting productive conversations.

Advocates/Services

  • International Listening Association (ILA) — The International Listening Association (ILA) is a global family with a common bond – advancing listening practice, teaching, and research worldwide. Since 1979, the ILA has been an international network supporting members from over 25 countries involved in shaping the art and science of  listening in all contexts including education, business, healthcare, hospitality, spirituality, research, and the arts. The ILA is a dialogue space, resource network, news source, and worldwide community finding ways to enable listening cultures. In all we do, we strive to LEARN, TEACH, INSPIRE, AND COLLABORATE.

  • The Listening Times — A mix of people news, research, and upcoming events.

  • The Listening Center — There seems to be an almost universal yearning for personal spiritual growth and development, which is nurtured in the experience of listening. The Listening Center was called into being as a response to this need. The Center is your center - that inner most part of you where in the silence you remember who you are. You become the center for listening...

    We create a place to explore this spiritual approach to the art of listening. We find that access to listening as a sacred art is available through a fundamental context that is exemplified by three qualities: Silence, Reflection and Presence. They work together in an organic process. Each call for practices to develop the skill of deep listening.

Books

Here are some of my favorite non-academic books about listening or topics related to listening for adults. Jennifer Grau

  • The Lost Art of Listening: How Learning to Listen Can Improve Relationships, Michael P. Nichols — Why do we often feel cut off when speaking to the people closest to us family members, friends, or colleagues? What is it that keeps so many of us from really listening? Michael P. Nichols answers these questions and more in this thoughtful, witty, and helpful look at the reasons people don't hear one another. His book, a guide to the secrets of listening and being listened to, is filled with vivid examples that clearly demonstrate easy-to-learn techniques for becoming a better listener.

  • You’re Not Listening: What You’re Missing and Why It Matters, Kate Murphy —- At work, we're taught to lead the conversation. On social media, we shape our personal narratives. At parties, we talk over one another. So do our politicians. We're not listening - and - no one is listening to us.

  • Listen Up, Barker, Larry L. & Kitty W. Watson—- A lively and useful guide, Listen Up explains:

    o The four types of listeners -- People, Action, Content, and Time-Oriented
    o How men and women listen differently, and how to bridge the gap.
    o Why people tune out and how to hold their attention
    o The special listening styles of kids, teens, and the elderly
    o How changing your listening style can improve relationships

    Listen Up helps readers communicate better in every situation.

  • Working with Emotional Intelligence, Daniel Goleman — Daniel Goleman's bestselling Emotional Intelligence revolutionized the way we think about personal excellence. Now he brings his insight into the workplace, in a book sure to change the shape of business for decades to come.

  • Permission to Feel: Unlocking the Power of Emotion to Help Our Kids, Ourselves, and Our Society Thrive, Marc Brackett — The mental well-being of children and adults is shockingly poor. Marc Brackett, author of Permission to Feel, knows why. And he knows what we can do. "We have a crisis on our hands, and its victims are our children." Marc Brackett is a professor in Yale University's Child Study Center and founding director of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence.

  • Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Compassion, Marshall Rosenberg — Do you hunger for skills to improve the quality of your relationships, to deepen your sense of personal empowerment or to simply communicate more effectively? Unfortunately, for centuries our culture has taught us to think and speak in ways that can actually perpetuate conflict, internal pain and even violence. Nonviolent Communication partners practical skills with a powerful consciousness and vocabulary to help you get what you want peacefully.

  • You're Not Listening, What You're Missing and Why It Matters, Kate Murphy — Who listens to you? New York Times contributor Kate Murphy asked people on five continents this question, and the response was typically a long, awkward pause. People struggled to come up with someone, anyone, who truly listened to them without glazing over, glancing down at a phone, or jumping in to offer an opinion. Many admitted that they, themselves, weren’t very good listeners, and most couldn’t even describe what it meant to be a good listener.

    —-

  • The Sacred Art of Listening, Kay Lindahl — “Designed to illumine your spiritual journey, this book provides access to a new way of listening—to Source, to self and to others. By expanding your awareness of listening and broadening your concept of listening you will learn to:

    o Enhance your capacity to listen to people with different belief systems.
    o Heighten awareness-sensitivity to opportunities for deep listening.
    o Communicate with courage and compassion.
    o Speak clearly from the heart.

Warning: the following books have a great deal to say about listening from which you are likely to gain new insights. They tend to focus on using listening to persuade or advance one’s own agenda. Jennifer Grau

  • Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone, by Mark Goulston — Drawing on his experience as a psychiatrist, business consultant, and coach, author Mark Goulston combines his background with the latest scientific research to help readers turn the “impossible” and “unreachable” people in their lives into allies, devoted customers, loyal colleagues, and lifetime friends.

  • Never Split the Difference: Negotiating As If Your Life Depended On It, by Chris Voss — After a stint policing the rough streets of Kansas City, Missouri, Chris Voss joined the FBI, where his career as a kidnapping negotiator brought him face-to-face with bank robbers, gang leaders and terrorists. Never Split the Difference takes you inside his world of high-stakes negotiations, revealing the nine key principles that helped Voss and his colleagues succeed when it mattered the most – when people’s lives were at stake.

  • Power Listening: Mastering the Most Critical Business Skill of All, by Bernard Ferrari — Listening is harder than it looks- but it's the difference between business success and failure. Nothing causes bad decisions in organizations as often as poor listening. But Bernard Ferrari, adviser to some of the nation's most influential executives, believes that such missteps can be avoided and that the skills and habits of good listening can be developed and mastered. He offers a step-by-step process that will help readers become active listeners, able to shape and focus any conversation.

Here are some listening related book for adults and kids. On the surface, the kids books may seem unrelated to listening ... but they are very much related. Feel free to contact me if you have questions. jennifer@grauic.com.

  • Listen and Learn, by Cheri Meiners — Knowing how to listen is essential to learning, growing, and getting along with others. Simple words and inviting illustrations help children develop skills for listening, understand why it’s important to listen, and recognize the positive results of listening. Includes a note to teachers and parents, additional information for adults, and activities. Listen & Learn Teaching Aids

  • Listen Buddy by Helen Lester — Buddy's father had a beautiful big nose. He was a great sniffer. Buddy's mother had beautiful big teeth. She was a great chomper. Buddy had beautiful big ears. It didn't matter. Helen Lester and Lynn Munsinger have created eight children's books together. Munsinger's unparalleled animal characters and Lester's hysterical text have joined together to create another silly tale.

  • Oh, Bother! No One's Listening by Betty Birney — Pooh, Piglet, Eeyore, Tigger, and Owl can't remember what to bring to the First-Day-of-Spring Party. Could it be that no one was listening to Rabbit's instructions? But in the end not even the rain can dampen everyone's fun.

  • The Feelings Storybook by Alexandra Delis-Abrams — The Feelings Storybook is a sensitive and heartfelt book for children of all ages, including the child within each of us. Recognizing and expressing is vital for a healthy self-esteem.
    The Storybook provides an expansive vocabulary for the developing reader and acts as an excellant assessment for emotinal growth. The question at the end of each story opens doors for interaction.

  • Feelings by Aliki Brandenberg — This classic picture book from beloved author-illustrator Aliki is a great way to explore feelings with younger kids, whether at home or in the classroom. Happy, sad, shy, excited—how do you feel? No matter the emotion, Feelings explores it—and helps children understand and express their own feelings.

  • Communication by Aliki Brandenberg — Speaking and listening; writing and reading; a baby's cry or a friend's hug. Communication is the way people share what they know and share how they feel.

  • Manners by Aliki Brandenberg - The wonderful Aliki Brandenberg has written and illustrated more children's books than many kids have read. This time she brings us a paperback version of her 1990 hardcover Manners, a cheery, funny dissertation on how and, more important, why to be a polite child.

  • Manners Can Be Fun by Munro Leaf — Through stick figure drawings and a brief text, beloved and bestselling children's author, Munro Leaf explains why good manners are important. Kirkus believes Manners Can Be Fun to be the author's "best, both in idea and execution. Manners books are perennials--hardy ones at that--and this makes first steps in etiquette easy and fun."

  • How to Speak Politely and Why by Munro Leaf — Updated for the 21st century, How to Speak Politely and Why is a picture book with a point: proper speech and good grammar without nagging. It aims to remove “ain’t” and “uh-huh” and “gimme” and “got” and a score of unfortunate nuances by a simple, sure painless and humorous process. In his signature style of amusing stick figure drawings and captions, Leaf makes clear such things as the difference between can and may, and the reason why one does not say “he done it” or “she come.”

  • The Girl Who Thought in Pictures by Temple Grandin — If you’ve ever felt different, if you’ve ever been low,if you don’t quite fit in, there’s a name you should know… Meet Dr. Temple Grandin—one of the world’s quirkiest science heroes! When young Temple was diagnosed with autism, no one expected her to talk, let alone become one of the most powerful voices in modern science. Yet, the determined visual thinker did just that. Her unique mind allowed her to connect with animals in a special way, helping her invent groundbreaking improvements for farms around the globe!

  • Different Like Me: My Book of Autism Heroes by Jennifer Elder — Different Like Me introduces children aged 8 to 12 years to famous, inspirational figures from the world of science, art, math, literature, philosophy and comedy. Eight-year-old Quinn, a young boy with Asperger's Syndrome, tells young readers about the achievements and characteristics of his autism heroes, from Albert Einstein, Dian Fossey and Wassily Kandinsky to Lewis Carroll, Benjamin Banneker and Julia Bowman Robinson, among others. All excel in different fields, but are united by the fact that they often found it difficult to fit in -- just like Quinn.

  • Amelia Bedelia by Peggy Parish, Fritz Siebel (Illustrations) — From dressing the chicken to dusting the furniture, Amelia Bedelia does exactly what Mr. and Mrs. Rogers tell her. ...But somehow things never turn out quite right.

  • Bullfrog Pops! by Rick Walton, Chris McAllister (Illustrator) — Last seen hopping a stage . . . (coach) and finding his hop in Once There was a Bull . . . (frog), our hero is now on an eye-popping eating binge trying to cure his insatiable appetite. Woven through the western town of Ravenous Gulch, the story leaves a cast of many hopping mad. However, just as things look bleak, transitive and intransitive verbs turn the tables and take Bullfrog on another adventure.

Lectures

The Human Crisis by Albert Camus - 1946 — Having lived through WW1, the Great Depression, the rise of Hitler, and WW2, Camus nonetheless delivers an optimistic outlook for the future of humankind. He suggests multiple priorities to help mankind move beyond the crises that had engulfed us:

  1. Simply reject in thought and action any acquiescent or fatalistic way of thinking.

  2. Unburden the world of the terror that reigns today and prevents clear thought.

  3. Whenever possible put politics in its true place - a secondary one.

  4. Seek out and create, on the very foundation of our negativity, positive values that will reconcile negative thought with the potential for positive action.

  5. Fully understand that this attitude means creating a universalism in which all people of good will can come together.

These priorities are useful for today as well.

Courageous Listening, Valerie Kaur

Sikh activist Valarie Kaur has made a commitment to listen to those with whom she disagrees. Here she describes some of the practices that make it possible.

Websites

  • Bridging Differences — Why Are We Divided? Americans are increasingly divided along social and political lines. The evidence for this polarization can be found in our most intimate relationships and in our most public policy debates.

    • Political scientists are finding that more and more people are either all-liberal or all-conservative in their political positions—and so are the politicians they elect, as reflected in their votes in Congress.

    • There are many studies showing that more Americans are using their political party affiliation as a source of meaning and social identity, with these identities linked to how we play, what we buy, which movies we like, and even our sense of right and wrong.

  • Civil Conversations — Braver Angels Teaches People On Opposite Ends Of The Political Divide To Converse Civilly

  • Grau Interpersonal Communications - Grau Interpersonal Communication creates professional development experiences that blend theory and practice. We transform communication challenges into effective interpersonal behaviors and sustainable solutions. Jennie Grau has provided the bulk of the resources listed under this Listening link.

Proposed Actions

Adaptive Actions

Practice Listening — Commit yourself to:

  • Listen to others.  Listen until you can flood them with understanding.

  • Understand who they are.

  • Understand where they are coming from.

  • Understand what is important to them.

  • Understand why it is important to them.

  • Understand when they are ready for change.

Then you can engage them in serious dialogue to find a way to approach change that suits them and you. (read more)

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